Emily Ampersand.

Educator. Writer. Daydreamer. Big heart. Small life. Lover of beautiful words especially of the heartsick variety.

I love, love, love me some Mates of State. I’ve seen them live several times. They are adorable & their charisma together is undeniable. It’s so wonderful seeing couples create together. This cover of Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop” simply solidifies my adoration of them. Especially the very end. Ugh. So delightful. 

And, we’re back. Feels so right.
This was about four jello shots & two beers in at one of my best friend’s birthday parties last night. Such a fucking good night. 

And, we’re back. Feels so right.

This was about four jello shots & two beers in at one of my best friend’s birthday parties last night. Such a fucking good night. 

So, Christian & I have hit the reset button on our relationship. Both July & August were two of the toughest months either of us had experienced in a while. We lost sight of the good. We felt hopeless. We were in a tunnel. So, we pulled back & took some time for ourselves. But, we are now slowly beginning the healing process with one another. Yesterday, he planned a date for me. He kept it very top-secret. As the time of the date approached, he told me to meet him at the bottom of some steps that led up to a park we frequented together. He also sent me this text message:

When you get to the stairs, start walking up. You’ll find an index card to the right of each landing. Read one, then continue to the next one. There are 5 landings.”

Each of the cards had song lyrics that reminded him of me. He then led me to a picnic table where a delicious dinner that he prepared awaited. I was floored. Speechless. I guess mostly I’m documenting this for my own records. Because sometimes I get caught up in my head & have these unrealistic expectations. Moments like these need to be relished & breathe life into my bones. I know there will be ups & downs in life. I also know that we can’t always live off of grand gestures. But, they sure are a delight. I must try & try & try to cherish the ups. 

Deconstruct me.

Put me in a room full of strangers
And watch me shrink back into a tangled ball of anxiety
That took me years of pills and notebooks to unravel

Look on as I begin to ritualize
Laying the palms of my hands flat on my legs
Tapping each fingertip precisely four times against them

(You deserve to exist You deserve to exist 
You deserve to exist You deserve to exist)

Ask me a question
And watch my face turn a vibrant red 
The same red as the ambulance 
That drove me to the hospital when I was 22 
And felt like being invisible was a valid option

Sometimes, the weight of a glance
Feels like a thousand tiny pin-pricks in my chest
In those moments, it’s difficult to remember 
That humans are all just made of stardust
Or that life is only worth living if you fill it with the GOOD

Sometimes, it’s difficult to let go of the BAD 
But, strangers don’t always get it
They think that letting go of the BAD is as easy as  
Letting a glass of water slip out of your hands
And shatter to the ground

What they don’t understand
Is that the BAD comforts us
It keeps us safe and whole
It never lets us down

Sometimes, it’s hard being someone
Who isn’t naturally good at existing

Hey are you doing ok? Seems like you may be having a rough few days! Hope all is well for you on this Monday

I’m doing pretty good actually. Life fluctuates. I’m realizing this. It’s been a hard couple months. Mostly stemming from the death of a close friend of mine & dealing the with aftermath of that. As well as the dissolution of a relationship that is still actually rather ambiguous (are we together? aren’t we?). Plus, I just started English grad school. So many emotions.

Thanks for asking. :) 

Here is the last photo on my camera roll. I took it on Sunday in the midst of doing grad school homework at Iris Book Cafe. It’s this delightful local coffee/book/record store. I adore it.  I know, nothing exciting. But, this is basically my life right now. (Thanks for the tag, dulcetdoodle!)

Here is the last photo on my camera roll. I took it on Sunday in the midst of doing grad school homework at Iris Book Cafe. It’s this delightful local coffee/book/record store. I adore it.  I know, nothing exciting. But, this is basically my life right now. (Thanks for the tag, dulcetdoodle!)