Emily Ampersand.

Educator. Writer. Daydreamer. Big heart. Small life. Lover of beautiful words especially of the heartsick variety.

Boyfriend sent me this song along with this message:

This song makes me cry every single time, forcing me to think about beautiful souls who have been taken from the world too soon. Ones who would bring beauty to the world by just being. It took listening to it again to open the floodgates for me and feel the depth of your loss. When I hear it, I always think of beautiful beings like my mother, you, and others, and it’s the exact sentiment we all feel at some point when we lose someone from this earth. I love you”

And, I ugly cried at my desk at work.

(Source: Spotify)

Heaviness.

I’m pretty sure I had an out-of-body experience while I was walking across campus today to get some coffee. I looked down at my feet & they were moving me forward but I felt weightless as though I were floating. And, suddenly, I felt this stabbing sensation that everything is so temporary & life is so small.

I also just got another piece of unfortunate news from the boyfriend today. News that makes me feel selfish for thinking it’s unfortunate. But, basically, his new schedule that he will be working will not allow me to see him nearly as much. He’ll be working nights now & I have to take a deep breath & remember that he needs to do what he needs to do in order to survive. But, it’s hard for me because I am feeling the neediest I have ever felt in my life right now. So, I worry. I worry I’m not strong enough to stick it out. I worry my brain won’t allow me to see this as a small road bump in what I hope will be a promising future together.

I also worry that I won’t be able to bounce back from this all. That I will only always see the world in black & while again. Where’d the color go? I worry that things won’t genuinely make me laugh again or that I won’t ever see the point in forging relationships with people when they can be so quickly taken away from me.

I worry about finding the beauty in things. I worry that the heaviness won’t go away. 

My eyes are so, so tired. But, onward I must go. Because it’s the only option. I’m pushing myself to strike things off my to-do lists. The funeral is Wednesday. My graduate class starts in less than a month. I’m going to be back in schools soon. I can’t slow down or hide away from life. I’m tired of half-finishing all the goals I’ve set for myself in the past. It’s time to run toward what I want with tenacity. 

My eyes are so, so tired. But, onward I must go. Because it’s the only option. I’m pushing myself to strike things off my to-do lists. The funeral is Wednesday. My graduate class starts in less than a month. I’m going to be back in schools soon. I can’t slow down or hide away from life. I’m tired of half-finishing all the goals I’ve set for myself in the past. It’s time to run toward what I want with tenacity. 

Keeping myself busy.

It’s really the only way I know how to handle what I’m feeling inside. Sadness is a strange thing. Listening to a particular song that I knew Heather loved literally makes my heart feel as though someone is taking it within their hands & squeezing the shit out of it. I’ve had to pull over & cry several times when this happens. It’s truly hard to express. I’ll be perfectly fine & all of a sudden it hits me that I’ll never hear her laugh again or listen to her sincere stories about how the world is over all still a good place. And, I’ll never get to watch stupid Youtube videos with her or have her listen to me about my silly problems. She was amazing.

But, now I am keeping myself busy. Working on improving myself, my home, & my relationships. It’s what she’d want. I know it. 

I was browsing the local “Free” category on Craigslist a minute ago & I came across this posting. I mean, what is wrong with this person? In the time it took you to post this ad, you could have eaten that extra celery. Stop it.
I just…can’t. 

I was browsing the local “Free” category on Craigslist a minute ago & I came across this posting. I mean, what is wrong with this person? In the time it took you to post this ad, you could have eaten that extra celery. Stop it.

I just…can’t. 

I will do something with this tiny life I’ve been given. And, it will be grand and it will be full of love.